Brokenness becomes Passion

I want to preface this blog that we were truly blessed by having a nurse as one of our short-term missionaries. So as this is read; please keep in mind that these are/were my thoughts during this time period and at no time was I unappreciative that God enabled us to serve these children medically; but this is just raw Cheryl....

Those of you that know me well, to say I am a type A personality would be a mild understatement; I can actually micromanage to a point of annoyance. So it should be no surprise that in the midst of chaos I will try to control anything that is available to me.

On the third day of Camp Hope the only thing I could control around me was inventory.  Everything was good; first day went smoothly with registration,  a few minor issues but they were workable; it was the sight of the medical issues with the children. I know that this present last year too; but we just didn't see it. So seeing sores covering children's bodies, injuries that would have had no help; hearing about children coughing or urinating blood; it was becoming too much for me to bear. I did what I do best; isolate myself and try to not feel it. Organize my internal chaos; try to push through and in acknowledge it but not feel it. I hate showing my feelings; it's a trust issue; I know this and am opening with every encounter with my Papa; but it's a process. Do you notice through this that I'm doing what I was supposed to; I knew when I left I needed to FROG it (Fully Rely on God). I knew it; but this day I didn't even let Him in. Even when others tried to focus me with prayers, I wouldn't give this pain to God. I fell back on my old self; the one that solved independently because no one else can understand. The lesson comes quickly this day....

It's inevitable that Papa always pulls me back to let me know that I can't fix it. I have no control over anything. I actually am glad to have grown to this point in my relationship with Him; at least I acknowledge He is in control.

The day just seems to be getting out of control medically. It seems there is an issue everywhere that we truly cannot fix. Short-term, yes, we can fix this; but long-term my head and heart are screaming all we can do is give them Jesus; but I don't know how to say this with compassion so I continue to either be blunt with others and slowly try not to feel it. I actually started to hide in the fact that all we can give them is Jesus; because I don't want to see it anymore. Then Mama comes (Mama is Margaret, our EOH Zambian Director); she has just visited with a child about the sores on her feet with only the intention of giving her flipflops...she looks at me with sorrow in her face, hugs me and says "she has been defiled by a family member". I can't ignore anymore; I'm broken....

How can you fix this??? You can't; it's happened and it happens often. How do you reconcile it? I couldn't; do you notice that "I"; but He can.

The hard thing about leading the group is when you are there; it's hard to process. You truly have to FROG to sustain. You want to be mad; you want to stop; but you are still there to serve others; so how do you continue? We all have to do this, whether you lead or not; take a mini break; process quickly and then come back to relying on God so you can share the hope that Jesus brings.

Coming home that was hard to accept. I know that it is only through the Lord that we are healed. I've seen it in my own family; but somethings just break you. Then Satan uses it against you. Makes you question what you doing; is it worth it....a week ago my answer to that would be I don't know....but I have some amazing people that surround me who truly love the Lord and help me come back. Starting with my husband who knows me so well at how I will close myself off and shut down; who knows when to say enough and guide me back to the Lord.

So I've laid it at His feet; brokenness becomes passion again. I'm amazed at how the Lord can take something truly horrible and move us into a stronger sense of urgency to share Jesus with others. I fell in love with Every Orphan's Hope last year. The Lord moved me quickly to have a servant heart for this organization; and through this brokenness; He also strengthened my love for Him and what He is doing in Zambia through EOH.

I have wrapped myself in prayer and trust in the Lord; His plans are perfect and who am I to question. One day these broken "Memory's" will be with the Lord; there will be no more pain; no more sorrow only joy in being In Him. We can give a glimpse of this now; this hope that He gives daily through faith as long as we stay on path and don't let the sin of this world defeat us. So FROG!!!!

Grocery Bags

Made my first trip by myself to the grocery store yesterday and thankfully it was just Sprouts Farmers Market; I wasn't overwhelmed with Nabisco or General Mills. Everything was fine, bought groceries, came home and put everything away. Then I did what I would have normally done, took the plastic grocery bags, crumbled them up and got ready to put them in the garbage....looked down and I didn't see grocery bags, I saw a soccer ball. Tears filled my eyes and I felt so wasteful; my heart just broke.

In Zambia children use plastic bags for numerous things, some use them as kites, but what I've seen more often is them used as soccer balls. That's right, they take the plastic grocery bags and keep wrapping and tying them around each other to make a soccer ball. I look around my home and see all the different types of balls my girls have: softballs, baseballs, bouncy balls, giant beach balls, etc....need I go on. For what, they only have two hands; half the time they don't even play with them...

Last year I went through this, so my disgust with my personal wastefulness is not new. It is just expanding. We are so inundated by things...we confuse our needs with our wants. Actually, we don't even say "I want" we say "I need"...do you???? I mean really do you need that? At least be honest and say I want.

I know that Zambia has distractions there too; they're just different. God is present as long as I remain in Him; the moment I try to do it myself and become too independent I lose my focus. As much as I complain that He stretches me; it is never too far but just enough to realize that even a plastic grocery bag can bring me to tears. I pray I allow Him to continue to stretch me daily.